When you lose everything you want, you find everything that you need.

After the first moment I ever saw him up on that stage almost a year ago, I haven’t gone a day without him running across my mind at one point or another. Sometimes I wonder if he put some sort of spell on me while we stared into each others eyes during his twenty-five minute long set. I’ve always had a thing for lead singers, but this one was somehow different. He had a different way of locking his gaze onto me and pulling me straight in, right where he wanted me. And I’ve been there ever since. 
I’ve only seen him three times since the night our eyes first met, but every time we meet again, I fall right back into his trance, with no way out. What a lucky guy to have such an overwhelming influence over me.

I was just told that I’m hotter than Megan Fox. 
Prrrobably the best compliment I’ve ever gotten regarding my looks haha

I was half asleep and I just had a flashback to last Friday.
Let’s just say I’m a liiiittle turned on now. Mmmm..

The reason I made this was so that I could still blog about my thoughts, but not have to deal with people getting offended if they’re negatively mentioned in these thoughts of mine. I suppose I’ve only told my best friends and people I trust, but I have to stop telling people to read it. It defeats my original purpose.

You five people who know the real me are quite fortunate that you get to read this blog whenever you please!

This really was MY dream even though I’m reblogging it.

last-nights-dreams:

This was my dream last night. It gets pretty explicit at one point, so reader discretion is advised!

It all started off with me being at a gas station. I went inside to pick up a few items that I needed. Before I got to the checkout counter, a little girl was at the counter with her dad’s credit card and she told the cashier that when they were ready to check out, this was going to be how they were going to pay. (Weird.. I know.) So for some reason, when I got up to the counter and set my things down.. The cashier automatically decided to use that man’s credit card to pay for my things. As much as I wanted to let her think I was with that family, I knew it was wrong so I told her that I have my own credit card that I’m going to be paying with and I’m not apart of that family. Well as I was saying that, the kids in the family were screaming and knocking things over and making a huge mess. The girl at the counter was trying to get the dad’s attention because she was going to need his signature to refund the money from my purchase to his credit card. She eventually went over and confronted him because he wasn’t responding to her when she was trying to call him over to the counter. He ended up screaming at her in another language and then saying, “Go a-vay!” sort of in english. She came back to the counter where I was trying to be friendly because I knew she needed some kindness right about then. At that point, she just told me to leave and that the charges made to his card can just stay there. I asked her if she was sure a few times, and then decided to leave. I guess that was seventeen dollars and some change that I saved!

So a few days later, I got a phone call from the same girl who was working at the gas station that evening. She asked me to come in, but I was worried that I was going to get in some sort of trouble with the law about the little incident that took place a few days prior. But if that was the case, I figured I should go in anyway and try to justify her story a little bit. When I got there, no one else was in the store except the cashier and she called me over because (I think) she just wanted to talk. I was a little bit confused but I went along with it anyway because she was a nice girl. All of the sudden, three guys came up to her and gently shoved me aside. They didn’t have any guns, but they asked her for all the money in the store. Without hesitation, she started taking out some money and putting it in a bag they provided for her. Two of the guys were at the counter and the other guy was looking out a window to make sure no one else came in. Well, I figured I’d try to slither out of the store to get out of this whole debacle. Of course the guy keeping an eye on the door saw me trying to escape, and he walked over and not as gently as before grabbed my arm and told me I wasn’t going anywhere. When I looked up at the man, I noticed that I recognized him. Not from real life, but from TV and movies. And this wasn’t just any TV/movie star, he was my favorite TV/movie star. And if you know me at all, you know that his name is Alexander Skarsgård. I was sort of shocked and surprised in a good way, but still a little nervous and intimidated because after all, these guys WERE robbing the place. While I was standing next to Alex and the other guys were still waiting for all of their money, I had my purse partially behind my back and I was inconspicuously trying to take the cash out of my wallet and put it in another compartment of my purse. I barely have any money as it is, and if these guys took my wallet, I’d at least still have a little bit of cash if I hid it. And if they took my whole purse, well I was just completely out of luck then wasn’t I. One of the other guys noticed that I was fidgeting around and asked Alex to investigate. I already had finished the task but I was trying to close my wallet. Alex asked what I was doing and I just said I was trying to get my chapstick out but I was having trouble finding it. He didn’t quite believe me, so he grabbed my purse to find it himself. He surprisingly found it rather quickly and gave it to me along with my purse. Although he was dangerous, I could tell he still had a heart. When the other guys collected all of the money, they grabbed the bag, said thank you to the cashier and headed my way. Just then, Alex flung me over his shoulder and said, “You’re coming with us.” I couldn’t help but scream a little bit. Even if this was supposedly the man of my dreams, I was still being taken hostage which wasn’t the most pleasant thing in the world. He was so strong and I wasn’t worried about him dropping me. The next thing I remember, we were at some old house in the middle of nowhere. I was sitting on a couch while Alex was pacing back and forth in front of me. The other two guys were counting the money at the table. They suddenly got up and said they’d be back in a few. Wow. I was in a house in the middle of nowhere with no one but my favorite actor who had kidnapped me. I wasn’t sure whether I should be incredibly excited, or scared to death. Either way, my heart was racing and I didn’t know what was going to happen next. He said a few smartass/sexual remarks to me, to which I responded, “Are you going to rape me?” Incredibly stupid question, why would I ask that? I was putting ideas into his head if they weren’t already there. He responded with, “That almost sounded like a request.” I then said, “If I was asking you to rape me, it wouldn’t exactly be considered rape then, would it?” He got really close to me, hiked up my skirt a little bit, slowly got on top of me and said, “Are you asking?” I didn’t really know what to do or say at that point. I realized that I was a hostage/kidnapped victim, but this was the guy I had ALWAYS wanted to at least meet, and he was sitting on top of me, basically putting all of the cards in my hands. I put my hands around the back of his neck and not-so-gently started scratching him and getting the ends of his hair entwined in my fingers. I knew I shouldn’t be touching him. He had just thrown me in a car and driven me to this random place. No one knows where I am, these guys could just get violent and kill me for all I know. But I couldn’t resist this beautiful man in front of me. The sexual tension was so high. I pulled a little harder on his hair tangled in between my fingers and he immediately grabbed the back of my head, pulled it closer towards his, and made our lips meet. Right away I had forgotten about the fact that I was kidnapped. I had forgotten that I was technically there against my own free will. I had forgotten that this man could be more dangerous than I could even imagine. I was completely overcome with tremendous amounts of lust and desire, all of the bad things drifted away, as well as my better judgement. Alex turned my body so that I was laying down on the couch and he was on top of me. He pulled up my skirt with his left hand while his right hand was on the side of my face. Both of my hands were on his back at that point. He was so strong, I couldn’t get over the fact. He slid my underwear halfway down my legs and I kicked them off the rest of the way while I unbuttoned his pants. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. I thought that it had to be a dream, even though I was positive that it wasn’t (even though.. it was). He slid inside of me with a great amount force and I was beyond overwhelmed with passion towards him. Lust was definitely my deadly sin. Maybe literally this time, but death was the last thing on my mind right then. His body moved rhythmically against mine. I had never been so caught up in the moment before. We both finished at almost the same time. Alex collapsed on top of me. “Are you okay?” Alex said. We were both breathing heavily. “I’m fine.” I could not believe that that had just happened. Alex regained some strength and sat up to pull his pants up. I found my underwear on the floor towards the end of the couch and put them back on. I wasn’t sure if I should say something, or if he was going to say something, but the other two guys came back in which saved us both from having to say anything further. Alex walked over to them and they quietly talked about something for a couple minutes while I fixed my hair in a mirror on the wall. The two guys disappeared into one of the rooms in the house and Alex came back over to me. I was still standing and he pinned me up against the wall. I didn’t know what he was doing. Was he going to kill me? Knock me out? Fuck me again? I had no idea. He was staring into my eyes which was killing me in and of itself. His eyes were icy blue. I could have gotten lost in them if I had let myself. I kept wishing we had met under different circumstances. He moved my hair and started kissing my neck. I still didn’t know where he was going with this, but I couldn’t complain. I took both of my hands and placed them on his face, directing his lips to mine. We kissed for a while, while I was still against the wall. He was significantly taller than me and I was on my tip toes, so the wall being there was a good support for me. His hands were low on my back. They roamed down further, just past my butt and he grabbed me and lifted me up. I locked my legs around his waist area. My arms were completely wrapped around his neck. I was clinging to him as if I would fall to certain death if I let go. He was holding on tightly to me, so I relaxed a little bit so I could enjoy the kissing more. The dream then slowly started to fade away, and I started to wake up. I didn’t want it to stop so I refused to open my eyes for a few minutes, but I just couldn’t get back to it. As I opened my eyes, I let a huge smile form on my face because that dream may have been the best case of stockholm syndrome ever recorded!

I think I should start writing romance novels based on my dreams!

I needed (and still need) to figure out what I’m doing and where I’m going with my life. And when I was with him, I’d look at certain people (mainly celebrities) and wonder.. What’s going to happen when I find someone like this? Am I supposed to leave the person I’m with? I can’t be with him forever since I’ve never been completely crazy about him. And I know the chances of me meeting and marrying a celebrity are pretttty low, but I think my whole wonder about meeting and eventually falling for someone famous just came from my wonder about meeting and eventually falling for someone who I really would be crazy about.. who in return would be crazy about me. I didn’t have that. We weren’t crazy about each other. There may have been love, but love isn’t always enough.

We weren’t even that compatible. I don’t know if I’m telling this myself to make it all easier on me, or if it’s really true. I mean, I believe it’s true, but it could just be some unconscious coping method of mine. But either way, I know there’s someone out there for me who is incredibly special, who will love me more than anything, and will cherish every moment we spend together. I just want to adore and be adored. I’m pretty damn adoring most of the time.. So why is it so hard?